


Oversimplification

by Idiot of the Eastern Hills (Hildebrand_von_Pranin)



Category: Fire Emblem Series, Fire Emblem: Fuukasetsugetsu | Fire Emblem: Three Houses
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Gen, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Parody, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-02
Updated: 2019-08-02
Packaged: 2020-07-29 17:42:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,445
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20086183
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hildebrand_von_Pranin/pseuds/Idiot%20of%20the%20Eastern%20Hills
Summary: "Dammit, Sothis, I can't take it anymore!"My first fanfic - a parody cutting the Gordian knot of FE3H's grim storyline while ignoring virtually everything that makes the storyline a Gordian knot in the first place.Constructive criticism and suggestions welcome; if you want me to continue this, please tell me and I will try my best to do it.





	1. Scene 1: Introduction

**Author's Note:**

> I am deeply indebted to u/Ladyleto on the Fire Emblem subreddit for the original idea behind this, which you will see in Scene 2.  


**DRAMATIS PERSONÆ**

**SOTHIS - **the Girl on the Throne - a goddess with a severe case of amnesia. Well-intentioned but altogether too snarky for her own good.

**EDELGARD V. HRAESVELGR - **Empress of Adrestia; wants to put an end to the Church of Seiros and its reign of Crest-addled terror and will not admit of any other way to do so but violence (then again, no other way may exist). Driven and increasingly ruthless.

**DIMITRI ALEXANDER BLAIDDYD - **King of Faerghus; wants to get revenge for the death of his family and prevent Edelgard from taking over Faerghus. Half-mad from unresolved misery and bitterness over what he has lost.

**CLAUDE V. RIEGAN -** Head of the Leicester Alliance and son of the King of Almyra; wants to build a modern, inclusive Fódlan. Good-natured, but keeps his shiftiness and aptitude for intrigue well-hidden (he thinks).

**IGNATZ VICTOR - **A member of the Golden Deer. He'll only show up to help with that newfangled popcorn machine thing.

**BYLETH** **EISNER - **mercenary-turned-Professor at the officers' academy in Garreg Mach. After travelling down all four paths and siding with everyone possible, he is sick and tired of everybody's crap and just wants them to get along.

A.N. - If this fanfic continues, I will update the list as necessary.

  
**SCENE 1**

_The stone throne, within BYLETH's consciousness. SOTHIS is sitting on the throne. BYLETH, enraged to the point of near-incoherence, is resisting the urge to slam his head on the floor._

BYLETH: I can't take it anymore! I can't **_take_ **it anymore! Every single path I take, every single one of these idiots I side with, they kill more people than they need to, they use a load of bullshit to make themselves seem right and everyone else seem wrong, they - they - they - 

  
SOTHIS (interjecting): You have to admit, Claude's storyline is a bit better.

  
BYLETH: Oh yeah, sure, sure. Suuure it is. Because as everyone knows risking being slaughtered by a rival kingdom is somehow worse than risking being slaughtered by a literal _ICBM! _How the hell did Thales manage to convince Kim Jong-un to join him, and how the hell did those North Korean missiles (don't you _dare_ contradict me, Sothis, you know they were North Korean) even work without fizzling out halfway through?! And then don't get me started about Edelgard "Unreasonable Ideas of Justice" Hresvelg or Dmitri "Kill Every Last One of Them" Blaiddyd! They're all three of them insane somehow! 

  
SOTHIS: But - 

  
BYLETH (cuts her off): And you, the so-called goddess who sits on her throne and does nothing useful! Disappears completely from my psyche even though you and I become one idiot! You really define the phrase "useless goddess", you know that?

  
SOTHIS (irritated): Hey! I am _not_ Aqua!

  
BYLETH (calms down; surprised laughter): Huh, so maybe you aren't that useless. You're definitely genre-savvy.

  
SOTHIS (smiles): Comes from reading all those KYM and TV Tropes articles on the computer I found lying around in the recesses of your brain. You see, unlike Jon, who's just clueless, I know something. *coughs* Back to the rant.

  
BYLETH (serious): Ah, yes. Thanks for the reminder. Ahem! (intensely) Do you know what? I'm going to take matters into my own hands. I know every way in which this stupid storyline could go. I'm going to try and stop these idiots from killing each other, and if I can do that, I'll send them off to therapy and keep them there until they grow brains.

SOTHIS (smirking, aside): Maybe you might want to join them there, the way you're turning out. 

BYLETH (suspicious): Say what?

  
SOTHIS (smirking): Nothing, nothing. I was just remarking how this would be fun to watch.

  
BYLETH: Watch away, then.

_BYLETH takes the Sword of the Creator and looks at the dial on its hilt, which has four settings: "Birth", "Garreg Mach", "Reunion", and "???". He turns the dial to "Reunion", presses the button, and a bright light flashes, taking him away with it._

SOTHIS (deadpan): There he goes again. (to the reader) Do you see what I have to deal with every playthrough?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A couple of notes:  
\- Byleth is so angry that he's become incoherent and is relying on the same kind of bullshit logic he decries in others.  
IIRC the missiles actually came from the progenitors of "those who slither in the dark".  
\- To those who don't know, the term "useless goddess" and the resulting reference to Aqua is something pulled from the _Konosuba!_ series.


	2. Scene 2: Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Second chapter - mangling the reunion.

**SCENE 2**

_Wherever the hell the Reunion happens, five years after the start of Byleth's coma. DIMITRI and EDELGARD, at stage right, have deployed their forces and are preparing to kill each other. CLAUDE is bracing for the worst, while IGNATZ, accompanying Claude, is priming a popcorn machine._

_Enter BYLETH, stage left. He interposes himself between the blue and red lords._

DIMITRI, EDELGARD (all but in unison, then glaring at each other): Professor? Have you come to help me out?

CLAUDE: Hey, Teach! How ya doin'?

BYLETH: Fine, fine. Now listen up! I have something to discuss with all three of you.  
  
DIMITRI: There is no time for discussions until I have had my revenge!  
  
EDELGARD: It is too late for discussions! I must succeed and you must help me!  
  
CLAUDE: Sure thing, Teach. What d'ya wanna talk about?

_Meanwhile, DIMITRI and EDELGARD are drawing their weapons, shouting insults at one another the while. CLAUDE on the other hand has a bag of popcorn being made; he offers it to BYLETH, but BYLETH asks for a raincheck._

DIMITRI, EDELGARD: (still shouting, brandishing weapons)  
  
BYLETH: Dima, Eddie (looks of shock from "Dima" and "Eddie"). If you ever valued me as your professor, hear me out. If you didn't, shut the fuck up anyway.

DIMITRI, EDELGARD: But - 

BYLETH (dismissive): Yeah, yeah, yeah, I'm sure you have a _lot _to say. Just shut the fuck up for a minute. Edelgard is the flame emperor -

DIMITRI (interjecting): What? But -   
  
BYLETH: - and Dimitri, I swear to myself that if you don't shut the fuck up for five seconds I won't tell you jack shit about what happened to your family. That Rhea and her church have been running an underground torture thing, Mengele experiments and everything, with these crests, and it's fucked up Fodlan beyond belief. And that's the only reason why Edelgard wants to take her former crush's advice and kill every last one of them.

EDELGARD: How did you -

CLAUDE: (aside) Last time I checked, Teach wasn't this vulgar. Don't get me wrong, I like it, but _still_...

BYLETH (condescendingly): Eddie, shut up. (to DIMITRI) Dima, old buddy, old pal, I know your family is all dead, and believe me, it's horrible! (aside) I've heard this song-and-dance so many times I'm numb. (to DIMITRI) If you'll follow me, I know exactly who was responsible. I can lead you to them, you can get your precious bloody revenge, and Dedue's people can be cleared of a crime that they didn't commit. You on the other hand can become a benevolent ruler, but not before you get therapy. _Loooooots _of therapy. With a psychologist, preferably, not some crackpot cleric.

CLAUDE: What about me, Teach?

BYLETH: For you, dear wannabe Cao Cao, I have money. 

CLAUDE: That's just fine. But one thing -

BYLETH: What? Spit it out.

CLAUDE: Who are you and what did you do to Teach? If you're the same person, are you still Teach?

_In the background, DIMITRI and EDELGARD can be seen agreeing with each other and CLAUDE for the first time since Rhea's ball at Garreg Mach._

BYLETH: Yes ... and no. I am indeed Byleth Eisner, but I know a lot more than you would expect. So you guys should call me ... God.  
... When you've got your head around that, you can join me for some actual sanity in your lives, or I can prove why I was the prof and you were the students until you _do _join me.

_DIMITRI and EDELGARD are now so confused that they have dropped their weapons and reached for their hip flasks that they only just remembered existed. Kvass (Not vodka, blyat! Surely you don't think they're _all _that way in Fhirdiad!) for Dimitri, and beer (obviously!) for Edelgard. They have also called for ten more bottles of alcohol each. __They have started drinking and are soon going to be so drunk that Hodor would look like Stephen Hawking next to them. CLAUDE, on the other hand, has dug into his bag of popcorn and has Ignatz making another._

CLAUDE (munching away): Join you? Sure thing. I'll also start calling you God, Teach -- *coughs* I mean God.

BYLETH: You made the right choice. (Pointing at DIMITRI and EDELGARD, who are now stupid drunk and making passes at each other) Should we do something, or wait for the hangover?

CLAUDE: Let's wait for the hangover and catch up while they ... redefine their relationship.

BYLETH: Good idea.

_Exit BYLETH and CLAUDE, accompanied by IGNATZ and the popcorn machine, left. On the right of the stage, the drunken Red and Blue Lords are making out._

**Author's Note:**

> That's it for now. Once again, constructive criticism and suggestions are welcome. If you want me to keep this up, please tell me; I will do my best to make a good story (or as good as a parody can be, at any rate).


End file.
